MARRIED FOR 23 YEARS NEEDS ADVICE ON DIVORCE!

Dear Capt Ron

I am presently considering dumping my husband of 23 years because I am fed up with him and we no longer have any shared interests. What is the best way of doing this? Thanking you in advance Cindy from Red Deer Alberta. (I attach a picture of Jeff's car to show you how sick the man is) 

Dear Cindy. You both have 23 years invested in your marriage. It might not be smart to simply end it without trying to make it work. I suggest that you talk things over with your husband and see what he thinks. Then consider speaking with a counselor who may be able to help both of you. In other words slow down a bit and take a couple of months to see if something here is worth salvaging. There is always a bright side to life. I see that Jeff likes boats and German cars -this is a good sign. Good Luck - Ron

Dear Ron, Thanks for your sage advice. I didn't tell you that Jeff is a fat alcoholic, smells and he spends a lot of the family income on his booze, his big truck and boats etc. I try to keep myself in good shape and don't drink and work out at the gym and my weight is the same as when I went to college. Jeff has turned into a slob. Does this make any difference in your advice? Thanks -Cindy

Dear Cindy, Oh I see you have some problems there! From what you tell me now it doesn't look good and perhaps divorce would be the right approach. What you might consider doing is consulting with a good divorce lawyer in your area and getting an initial consultation and estimate of costs so that you can decide how to proceed. It just so happens that we own an excellent website providing free advice on Attorneys and where best to find them.  Starting fresh would give you an entirely new perspective on life and you are still young enough that there is a good possibility there are others out there that you will meet and share a wonderful life together. Don't be afraid to take action. You won't improve your situation unless you do something. - Ron

Dear Ron, I took your advice, saw a good lawyer and he served divorce papers on Jeff last week. Its going to take all the money I can afford but I have got my credit limit on my card increased and I have given him a large retainer. Thanks so much for your advice I feel better already! I feel that I know you and trust you - Cindy. Here is my happy picture! I am moving back to Los Angeles.

Dear Cindy - Glad to hear things are going so well. Often I find it disappointing that people don't take my advice and then end up in an even worse situation. I predict that within a few months everything will be going well for you! Well done Cindy!  - Ron

Dear Ron- There has been a big problem. The divorce did go through but within a week poor Jeff was killed by a fall from a ladder as he was putting up the Christmas lights. Normally I am there to hold the ladder for him. Anyway, it seems that he had a very large insurance policy that paid double if death was caused by an accident. The bad news is that after our divorce was final Jeff changed his will and he donated everything to the local dog pound. Apparently poor Jeff had seen the picture of the puppy on your website and had decided then and there to give his estate to the welfare of small animals. My lawyer tells me he may be able to dispute the will but that the chances of getting much back are slim and he also wants another payment on my account. As if this was not enough the company that I worked for went out of business last week and I lost my job and my retirement pension. Any advice? I hate to keep bothering you but I could sure use some advice now!  Your friend Cindy

Dear Cindy I am very sorry to hear about your misfortune. I suggest that you contact your bank and credit card company to let them know about your changed situation. Often they are quite helpful and appreciate being kept informed. It shows your good will and your good money management techniques Tell your lawyer that you are temporarily out of work but that you will pay his bill in full as soon as work starts again. The important thing is to keep a good attitude during these times.  - Ron

Dear Ron, I told the bank and the credit card company but the bank immediately froze my account to cover my bank loan and my credit card company cancelled my account and threatened me with collection action if I missed a payment. My lawyer was very angry with me and asked me to leave his office and never come back. I went to my doctor to ask about the depression I have been feeling and Dr. Jones wrote me a prescription but I am unable to get it filled because I don't have any money. I was thinking today that had I stayed with Jeff none of this would have happened. Please tell me what to do Capt Ron!  Thanks Again! Cindy

Dear Cindy, I think there is a danger feeling sorry for yourself. Cheer up! There are lots of people in worse shape than you are. You may not have any money and may feel a bit blue but things will change I know they will! Buck up Cindy!

Dear Capt Ron,  I am Inspector Joules of the San Diego Police Department. We are in possession of several e-mails between you and a lady called Cindy. Unfortunately we pulled her body out of the ocean today after she apparently jumped off a local pier to commit suicide. We were wondering if you could supply us with any information on the case. Thank you Sir. 

Dear Inspector Joules, I am very sorry to her about Cindy. Unfortunately there was not much I could do. Of course I tried my best but I suspect she was too far gone by the time she approached me. I would be pleased to help wherever I could. 

Dear Capt Ron, Thanks very much for your offer of help. As a matter of fact I hope you can help me too. I have been having flashbacks from a traffic accident i investigated three years ago. Is there anyway that a person can get rid of those things? Your help is most appreciated. - Joules

Dear Inspector Joules.  My best advice to you would be to see a professional psychologist- its likely your department has one on staff. Try that and let me know how you feel.  ron

Dear Capt Ron, Thanks for that I did mention it to the doctor on staff and once I told him about the flashbacks he placed me on non paid administrative leave and I can't go back to work until I get an assessment from a board Psychiatrist. I guess it was the right thing to do but I am worrying how I am going to pay my bills. 

Dear Inspector Joules - It was very wise of you to seek professional advice and I am sure that all will be well shortly and you will be back on the force. -ron

Dear Capt Ron. The Doctor surprised me by telling my supervisor that I was no longer suitable for Police work and I have been dismissed under a medical category. The good part is that I will receive a reduced pension about $375 a month but I will never serve as a police officer again. I am feeling a bit sad Capt Ron.

Dear Inspector Joules retired,  The good side of this story is that you will be able to find work more closely aligned with your education and skills and I am sure that in short order all will be well. - ron

Dear Capt Ron - Its been a few months now and I start every day off with several drinks and some pain killers for my bad knee. I feel as the world is pressing in on me. I am looking for a way out but my training and skills don't seem to fit anything. I am getting some real sharp pains from my kidneys and don't feel well. Any suggestions Capt Ron? I feel that you are the only one in the world who cares about me. Thank God I have you to help! 

Dear Inspector Joules (ret'd)   You really need to buck up Joules. There are lots of people in worse positions than you and lots that would like to be in your shoes. Every day you wake up you should say to yourself "great another great day!" Say it over and over at least twenty times.

I received a letter from Doctor Maxwell Jones. Unfortunately the letter arrived two months late due to 5 cents insufficient postage. I quote from it" 

Dear Capt Ron, 

I am Cindy's Doctor and I thought I had better write to you regarding her medical condition. As you have probably discerned Cindy is delusional. She refers to her husband Jeff as being a "fat alcoholic" when in fact Jeff is a very well respected Engineer who specializes in building Children's Hospitals and he keeps himself in tip top shape by running marathons. I don't believe the man drinks at all. He drives a Land Rover and owns a kayak not a Volkswagen with an aluminum car topper on it! Cindy on the other hand is an alcoholic and is 75 pounds overweight. I have her on medication but she often refuses to take it and she still carries a picture of herself from 20 years ago when she was fit and trim. This is just a heads up to watch out for this patient. If you need any additional information just contact me. (gives confidential cell phone) I think very highly of the advice you hand out and have often referred my patients to you! I fnd it very frustrating to try and help people when they don't tell you the whole story of their medical condition- I am sure you have encountered this too. Nevertheless you continue to dispense sage and practical advice something I and my colleagues greatly admire.  Doctor Max

Dear Capt Ron,

My name is Chief Inspector Bert Davidson and I am writing to you regarding Inspector Joules who was placed on a medical discharge by this department. For reasons unknown he kept his service revolver telling us that he had lost it. Last night he used the revolver to end his life. We are investigating this case and discovered several e-mails on his home computer to you and were wondering if you could shed any light on the case. Thanking you in advance and I should say we are all fans of your column at the department and often read it between shifts. I enclose a picture of our department and poor Inspector Joules (third from the left). Best wishes from all of us and keep up the great work!-Bert 

Dear Inspector Davidson, I am sorry to hear about the passing of Inspector Joules. He seemed like a very troubled man to me and I imagine the demands that the police are under is a contributing factor. I suspect that you as his Senior Officer feel quite bad about this as it would have been your position to assign work to this obviously distraught individual. This will likely lead to severe emotional reactions at some time and I urge you to see a health care professional as soon as possible. Your photo clearly shows poor Joules had been suffering for many years. Oh well his suffering is over now -we must move on. I strongly support Law Enforcement. Good Luck! 

Dear Capt Ron  Well you certainly hit the nail on the head there Sir. In fact I feel horrible about this and have been having trouble sleeping and I seem to have a case of E.D. too and my wife is getting quite upset with me too because I have been irritable and distracted at home. I immediately contacted our staff Psychologist and after a complete set of tests -he placed me on medical leave for two months. I will let you know how I make out. Thanks again I feel that you are a true friend.  Bert

Dear Bert Buck up Bert! Things will be better! The cream rises to the top and soon you will be well again. 

Dear Capt Ron - I need your professional help again Sir. I was in the house for a month resting and starting to feel better. The wife was at work. Suddenly a couple of armed robbers broke into my basement and so I took my service revolver and confronted them. A fire fight ensued and although I managed to shoot both of them one got me in the shoulder with a shot gun. The medical assessment came back as physically unsuitable for police duty due to the damage done and due to the fact I discharged a police service weapon during a time when I was on medical leave I have been charged with attempted murder by the family of one of the victims. I am at my wits end. Can you help sir? Bert

Dear Bert, I would like to help you but I fear your situation is close to being hopeless. I must tell you this. I can only suggest to get a good lawyer and plead your case to the judge.   ron

Note to file - two months after this e-mail ex Chief Inspector Davidson imprisoned in the Los Angeles County jail was found stabbed to death in his cell likely the work of another inmate during exercise break. Very sad. I was absolutely correct the case had been hopeless. Not to put too fine a point on it I could clearly see the writing on the wall here.

I NEED SOME POLITICAL ADVICE!

Dear Capt Ron    I hesitate to request your help but I am running for the Democratic Party ticket and seem to be loosing the contest. I need some help and know that your advice is good advice. Can you help me? (name withheld by request) 

Dear Hillary , Certainly I can help! Here is what I think you should do. Tell them a good war story. Everyone likes a good war story and would love to know that you can handle yourself well in a desperate situation. Make sure there are bullets flying and put a sniper or two in there. Be sure to tell the story earnestly. Remember Rocky Balboa. I can see you have taken a few hard knocks lately but all I can say is remember Rocky and buck up! Things will be fine. And don't be afraid of going negative. Remember if you get into trouble just cry like a girl the press will lap it up. You can't loose if you follow my advice! -ron

Dear Capt Ron , Bill and I would like to thank you. We have enclosed a small donation of $50,000 for the charity of your choice. You have no idea how important it is to have a source of good sound advice. When I win I hope you will accept a senior position within my government. Could you wait until month end to deposit the check? Thanks again (name withheld by request) 

And so you see it. A constant stream of people asking for and receiving good advice. I get mail from all over the world every month.  I do this without charge as a public service to assist my fellow man and improve our society. Also my Legal Manager Miss Jennifer Cummings advised that I shouldn't charge for it due to possible legal complications which I trust her to manage. Although I am a Canadian and a busy CEO with many other responsibilities  I  provide this free service to citizens of all countries. I  run the Canadianbullshit.com website to help all avoid all the bullshit in our society. I guess there is a good chance I will receive the Order of Canada some day or some sort of Nobel prize or such (hint hint!) but I am not doing this to gain anything but to merely help where I can! I didn't get to where I am today by not helping others and this is advice I would like to share with all of you! And not to put too fine a point on it we should all help our fellow human beings by offering them good advice and the benefit of our knowledge. 

 

WHAT SHALL I PLANT IN MY GARDEN?

Dear Capt Ron  Please Sir tell me what to put in my garden! I am at my wits end! I have just returned from the garden shop and they have about a million plants down there and nobody there knows what I want! I know you can help. Please help me!  Mary in Sudbury

Dear Mary How big is your yard? And what type of soil do you have? Is the drainage good? Are there any existing flowers in the yard? Please let me know and I will be in a position to help!

Dear Capt Ron, I knew I could count on you!  I have a big yard with black soil and good drainage. There are no flowers in the yard now but I desperately would like some. 

Dear Mary Ohhhh too bad about the black soil. That is bad. Unfortunately, no plants will grow in your yard. I will send a front end loader and a dump truck over and get rid of all that black soil for you. Fortunately I have a low area in my back yard where I can store it. The dump truck will be a bit expensive but you really must get rid of that dirty soil. 

Dear Capt Ron, Thank you so much for sending over the heavy equipment to take the dirty soil away. My neighbor said it was top soil is that bad? I told him it was dirty and he just sort of looked at me like he was stupid or something. Perhaps he has a crush on me as most men see me in my bathing suit and shorts and wish to take me out for a drink. I asked him if he had a drink in mind but he just shook his head and walked away. I guess he must be sick. Oh well what can I plant in the yard now Capt Ron? My yard now looks like sand with some clay mixed in. Its about a foot lower now so the drainage isn't as good but I am keen to get into gardening! I was a little shocked by the bill for the equipment but I know this will all end well with your help. 

Dear Mary The dirt in your yard is now all clean dirt. Its very important or even critical that it stay like that. What I suggest is that you take all the cleaning fluids that you have in your house and dump them into the yard. Laundry detergent, soap, bleach, ammonia, windex even javex will work fine. Use as much as you have. 

Dear Capt Ron, What a wonderful idea! My entire yard smells clean and fresh. Even the neighbors are commenting on it. You are a wonderful man Sir! Now that my soil is sparkling clean what sort of flowers should I buy? 

Dear Mary, Your best bet now is an environmental garden -you simply let the birds and the wind bring seeds to the yard and be sure to water it on a regular basis and soon you will have a luxuriant garden of Eden in your yard. 

two years pass

Capt Ron!!! You were right!!!! I can't believe how intelligent your are! Nothing grew the first year and the local dogs and cats used the yard as a public washroom if you know what I mean. Kids began tossing empty beer bottles in the yard as they drove by and there was a fair amount of broken glass. One day when I was out trying to scoop up the dog pooh I stepped on a piece of glass and it got infected and well to cut the story short I ended up loosing my right foot to the infection. But by the time I got out of the hospital the first plants had started growing in the garden and it was wonderful! And now the entire garden is full of plants. My neighbor said they were Dan de Lyons which is I believe a flower from the South of France. I am thrilled! I don't get out much anymore because of the wheel chair so I spend most of my day looking at the wondrous flower garden all thanks to you Capt Ron. I enclose a small check to show my appreciation. 

Dear Mary Thanks for the $1000 check! It was very sweet of you! But it is time to clean your soil again. The best way is to purchase a few bags of salt and sprinkle that all over your yard to a depth of approximately 1/4 inch. I have a few bags left over from the winter that I can let you have at cost. Please pay the driver cash as that way he does not need to make change for you. He is not very good with math and making change causes him stress. 

Dear Capt Ron I was really surprised how much salt you can carry in a 3/4 ton pick up! And how much it costs! Lucky for me you are giving to me at cost. You are a Saint! I just don't deserve having a friend like you Sir. I feel blessed! The salt treatment worked very well and the Dan de Lyons are now twice as big as before! I am so proud of my garden! This will make you laugh though. When I was cutting the grass with my electric lawnmower I guess the salt got into it and short circuited the motor. When I tried to turn it off the switch was stuck on and I got a bad shock which temporarily stunned me and because I fell forward- the lawnmower which is self propelled ran over my good foot and lopped off two toes - my big toe and the little one. I felt so stupid because when I came to there was blood all over the yard and the neighbors dog was chewing on my toe so needless to say it was in no condition to be sewed back on! Silly me! The doctor was quite stern with me and asked why I had let the dog eat my toe and I didn't have a good answer for him. He must think I am stupid. I wish all me were like you Capt Ron. The world would be a better place!

Dear Mary  Sorry I forgot to mention to you not to use an electric lawn more after the salt treatment. I feel quite the fool. I know that it wasn't my fault but I feel some responsibility for your lost toe. I enclose a small gift for you with hopes for a speedy recovery. 

Dear Capt Ron You can imagine my delight when I opened your package and saw the toe ring you had sent me to remind me of my toe. That was so sweet! I must admit Capt Ron that I have always been attracted to Navy men and especially Officers like you. I realize that you are old and fat and have type 2 diabetes and ED but that doesn't matter to me. Well maybe the ED would be a problem but otherwise you would be fine for me!  If you are ever looking for an attractive woman who is very fit but lacks a right foot and two left toes then please consider me! My only fear is that as a graduate of the University of Toronto you would lord it over me that you graduated from the best University in Canada - The University of Guelph. I tried to get into Guelph but they refused. I tried my best Capt Ron. I just couldn't make the entrance requirements. Should I be planting seeds at this time of year? Love Mary

Dear Mary I was unaware that you were a U of T grad. This would likely explain some of the problems you have been encountering. Its been my experience that U of T grads are often too stupid to pound sand down a rat hole. As long as you stay away from rat holes though you should be fine. Yes you should plant some seeds but please be environmentally sensitive when you do so! You can do that by tossing any seed bearing fruit into your yard and waiting for the natural processes to take place. Soon you will have a wonderful garden full of fresh fruit and none of the deadly chemicals used in modern farming. 

a year passes

My Dear Captain Ron!  You were right again Sir! I now have apple and orange trees and the odd kiwi tree and some plums and a large family of raccoons in the front yard. Its all so natural. Soon the trees will be bearing fruit and speaking of that have you considered my romantic proposal. I know I shouldn't press you on the matter but as its been over a year I am wondering if you would like to meet for a coffee and more? If you know what I mean. tee hee. - Mary

Dear Mary Thanks for the offer but I must decline due to my heavy CEO duties. I hardly get a free day these weeks what with corporate take overs and board meetings and business lunches and having to sign documents etc. The Corporate Secretary gives me a list of the board meetings I need to go to each Monday and that pretty much takes up the rest of the week and what with the travel and such it would be impossible to start a relationship too. It would be possibly different if you were a University of Guelph grad but you are not so I don't see any future there.  But buck up Mary I am sure there are lots of suitors out there for an attractive women with no right foot and two toes on her left foot missing! Count you blessings and remember every day above ground is good! Sorry Mary. 

Dear Capt Ron,

My name is Inspector William T. Smythe of the Ontario Provincial Police. I am investigating the suicide of a women in Sudbury and wonder if you could shed any light on it as we noticed emails to you on her computer. Any information would be helpful. PS I was very impressed with your advice on gardening and have passed it on to my wife who is an avid gardener. We love your website! Your support for law enforcement is greatly appreciated.

Dear Inspector Smythe

I believe you will find that Mary was delusional. I felt sorry for her and tried to help but of course realized that it would probably be hopeless. Nevertheless I didn't get to where I am today by being a quitter and so I tried anyway. I am not surprised at the outcome as this type of thing is predictable when you are trained to see the signs. I believe that if you look into her background you will find she is a U of T grad which may explain some of her behavior. If your wife wishes some advice on gardening please have her send me an e-mail and I'd be glad to help! The OPP are a proud force only second to the Mounties in Canada and I sense you are the type of individual who only narrowly missed being accepted into the RCMP but still managed what must be an exemplarity career! Well done Sir!

Dear Capt Ron

Right on regarding the Mounties! I got as far as Depot Training in Regina but broke when an Instructor yelled at me after I wore scuffed shoes on parade. A man can only take so much! I emptied my service revolver into the instructor's guts only to be told in a mocking tone that I was shooting blanks! That was the final straw and I left that day. Marjorie and I have been married for 15 years and if we ever have any children I would like to see them in law enforcement too!  Oh we have closed Mary's file and you were right again- the conclusion was that she was delusional when she ended her life. Sad really but you certainly tried your best and in fact likely extended her life by several years as a result! Thanks again Capt Ron -I only wish there were more citizens like you! - William T. Smythe Inspector

I NEED TO BUY A FUEL EFFICIENT CAR

Dear Capt Ron, I am at my wits end. I simply want to buy a fuel efficient vehicle that I can afford to own and maintain. My job is ten miles away and there is no public transit during the times I go to and return from the job. Please help me. I am a woman and know nothing about cars and every time I go into a show room the salesman looks at my boobs and trys to talk me into an expensive car I can't afford. What shall I do?  Lois in Duncan BC

Dear Lois, Thanks for your email. I completely understand your position. First of all you are making a mistake. You really do not require a car. Living on Vancouver Island you live in a very temperate zone with some of the best weather in Canada. What you really want is a scooter. Because you are female you want something with good style and design. The last thing you want to do is purchase a Japanese model. What you really want is a Vespa. They are made and designed in Italy and are true classics. I think you would do well in the Granturismo model. Thats about $7,000 and will cost you about $13 to fill and will get you about 70 miles per gallon. That will cost you about $1.75 in fuel to make your 20 mile round trip every day and you will enjoy every minute of it.

Dear Capt Ron, I think I am in love!. I followed your advice and now own a wonderful wonderful Vespa. All my co-workers love it and want one too. Every time I get on it I feel like I am alive and its smooth and powerful too! I call her Veronica. I told everyone it was your idea Capt Ron and you are a wonderful man! We all want to meet you and take you out for lunch.  Happy in Duncan - Lois. 

A few months pass and now the rainy season has started....

Dear Capt Ron, I just loved Veronica in the summer months and I have a real nice healthy tan with all that fresh air. She is working perfectly and my gas bills are so low its almost embarrassing. I saved enough money for a trip to Hawaii and it was great there too. I do have a question. Are there any techniques you would recommend for riding in the rain. I seemed to get totally soaked and then sit at my desk shivering all day and am just drying out when I go to drive home and then I get soaked again. I know you can help me Capt Ron. Thanks for being there for us!   Lois

Dear Lois, All you need to do is drop into Canadian Tire and get a box of those big clear see thru garbage bags for leaves and some duct tape. Poke a hole in the top for your head and two more holes on the sides (for your arms). Then seal the bag to yourself with the duct tape. This will break the wind and keep you warm and dry too. 

Dear Capt Ron, You are brilliant! The bags worked! I am now dry and warm again. Thank you so much -Lois

two months pass the winter approaches. 

Dear Cat Ron. We have a problem. I am finding that when I drive down the Malahat when it is snowing that my drive wheel wants to slip and slide and Veronica is very difficult to control. Is this normal? Should I be using winter tires? Should I slow down in the snow or go faster? I am so confused. Thank God I have you Capt Ron! -Lois

Dear Lois. You silly Goose! I had no idea you were going South to your job and traversing the Malahat every day. That is going to cook that little engine on your Vespa and in the winter you are going to hit an ice patch and kill yourself. For Gods Sakes woman please use SOME common sense. 

Dear Capt Ron. My name is Doctor Willard Gibbons and my patient Lois has been asking for you. She had a terrible accident on the Malahat during a snow storm and ran off the highway into a tree. Luckily there was no damage to the Vespa she was driving but Lois managed to break both legs, her pelvis and jaw, right wrist and left foot. I think with time she will be fine but the woman insists she wants to ride her scooter again and she keeps on babbling about the plastic bag getting caught in the wheel which I don't really understand. Could you please contact her. PS we read your column at the local hospital and think you are a fine citizen Capt Ron. If we only had more like you this would be better world. 

Dear Lois, I am sorry to hear about your accident. You may not have gotten my last email to you as I see I forget to hit the send button. Sorry about that. I did correspond to your Doctor and he of course is concerned for your welfare. When you have an accident on a scooter its critically important that you get back on as soon as possible or otherwise you will be faced a with an unreasonable phobia about scooters for the rest of your life. I hear that Veronica was not injured in the accident so that is good news.  If I was you and driving the Malahat in the winter I would consider buying  a surplus diesel ambulance from Crown Assets Disposal in Victoria. I have one myself and they are incredibly neat and safe vehicles.. Park Veronica and just use her in the summer months. Good luck Lois!

Dear Capt Ron, My God when I got your letter I thought that the fact you wrote to me was absolutely wonderful . I know how busy you are and the staff at the hospital are really mad at me for not taking all your advice. I would have taken the advice Capt Ron if I had got your e-mail. I hope you will forgive me. I have just bought the surplus ambulance online with my laptop and it will be ready for me when I get out of hospital. My boyfriend Freddy is going to Pimp it up a bit for me. I am a lucky girl!

a month passes

Dear Capt Ron - I guess you are a genius! There is so much room in the ambulance that some of my friends have agreed to car pool with me and so they buy the fuel and I supply the ambulance. I am now commuting for free and we are all having a blast in the ambulance. Its like driving a tank and everyone gets out of your way. My boyfriend found a way to hook up some of the emergency gear that had been disconnected and now we can get instant respect. I have told everyone how smart you are!

two years pass

Dear Capt Ron This is Dr Gibbons again Sir. Lois has apparently gone off the deep end. She is a bit wacko these days and pretends to pick up sick people in this surplus ambulance she bought at a local auction. She has "The Lois Ambulance Co" written on the side with black marker pens and the picture of a duck below it. I think that accident may have caused here to become mentally unstable. I know you have tried to help the poor woman in the past but I wonder if you could contact her again and possibly get her to sell that ambulance. She parks it at the Emergency Room Entrance and often honks the horn when picking up her car pool for the drive back to Duncan. I really wish she would stop.  Thanks Capt Ron and keep up the tremendous work!

Dear Lois, 

You silly duck. Your Doctor has told me you have joined the loony corps and are abusing that ambulance of yours. Grow up Lady! Don't be stupid! Sell the damn Ambulance and start using your Vespa again. 

Dear Capt Ron  I did what you said. I got a good price for the Ambulance from one of the guys in my car pool paid me $1000 more than I paid for it. I am sorry for being so stupid. I will try to be a better person. 

Dear Capt Ron - I guess you heard that Lois drove off the lookout at the top of the Malahat and destroyed her Vespa. The end was quick for her too and searchers found her the next day. I know you tried your best to help her. But the poor woman was obviously suffering from depression and the effects of the previous accident. Since she sold her Ambulance she has been moody and stopped talking to her friends. She spent most of her time riding her Vespa in the rain. It was very sad really. 

Dear Dr. Gibbons. Please do not feel bad. Lois was a lost soul. We both tried to help her but she could not escape her fate. Fate is like that. You simply cannot escape. I was going to send her an email about taking more care on the rainy streets but didn't have the time when a sudden last minute offer from Air Canada to Hawaii came up. I feel a little bad about it but I guess you being her Doctor must feel much worse. I hope this does not result in higher medical insurance problems for you. The Insurance Adjuster was talking with me today and I had to tell him the truth. I simply could not lie about it to protect you. All the best!   Capt Ron.

NEEDS ADVICE ON HOW TO SAVE ON GAS BILL

Dear Capt Ron, 

I was told to write to you because you would help me. I am a single woman and drive my Dad's old car which I need for work. The gas bill is killing me. What shall I do? Work is about a mile away and besides the gas and parking and repairs I am spending most of my disposable income on my car. Its is a 1975 Buick Estate wagon and my service station man tells me it has the econo meister 455 V8 in it. Its quite a pretty car with woodgrain along the sides in a nice blue. Its in showroom condition and I park it inside every day in the garage. It has 35,354 miles on it. Please Capt Ron can you help. I am enclosing a photo of my self at the pool and as you can see I keep myself in pretty good shape too!  -Thanks Alexandra in Toronto. 

Dear Alexandra  I was saddened by your story. You have a real classic there and I guess many good memories of your Father too. I notice that you are less than a mile from your job. Have you possibly considered walking or biking? That would save you at least $150 a week.

Dear Capt Ron  I have shown all the girls your suggestion. We are totally amazed by your ability to cut to the heart of a complex problem and offer a practical solution. You are a wonderful man! In fact we have all decided to walk or bike to work as we all live in the same neighbourhood. Oh thank you so much Capt Ron!  - Alexandra

Dear Alexandra  I feel I should warn you though to be very careful of driving your bike over manhole covers as sometimes the slots are turned in the direction of travel and your tire will get stuck. Take care - Ron

Dear Capt Ron. You were right as rain Capt Ron. Silly me I am in hospital now in traction and your letter just arrived. Thats exactly what happened! You are so smart!  I have a stainless steel pin in my femur and some reconstructive work to be done on my right elbow and nose. My spirits are high because they are so nice here and are providing me with lots of painkillers. I can hardly wait to get back on the bike and this time I won't be so stupid!  My friend Sally just visited she works in the Office too and stepped into a pot hole on her way to work and broke her ankle. She will only need to wear the cast for a couple of months. I know you are a busy man I just thought I would drop you a line to say thanks for letting me know about the pothole dangers. - Alexandra

a few months pass

Dear Capt Ron I am back on my bike and everything is going fine! I feel wonderful but am having a few problems getting off the painkillers. I feel better on them. I am not sure I like my job anymore and my co-workers were covering over for me and now think they can do my job better than I can. And actually I think I have forgotten some parts of it. Oh well I'm young and a size 4 so who the hell cares! Hope things are going well with you - Alexandra

Dear Alexandra.  Good to hear you are back on the bike. I should also tell you about the open door danger. Sometimes when you are driving along some idiot will open a door in your path and this can cause a terrible accident. Also I think its about time that you started taking your Buick Estate wagon back to work because its getting a bit too cold for biking and you may hit a patch of ice. Take care - ron

Dear Capt Ron   This is Alex again Capt Ron . Well you were right as rain again. Just two days before I got your letter I was coasting down a long hill and right near the bottom this stupid man opens his drivers door to get out and I ran right into it. Now it was so cold that I was wearing a big coat and thankfully there was no damage to me but my bike and his door were ruined. He very kindly helped me back home and said not to worry about the door and drove off. About an hour later I realized that my $800 bike was toast and it wasn't covered by insurance but oh well I was safe. Then I went out to start the Buick which had been sitting for several months. It didn't start at first so I pumped the gas peddle for about five minutes and then tried again. The engine backfired through the carb and caught on fire. I ran into the house to call the fire department but by the time they got there my garage was destroyed and the back bedroom (my room) on the house. Then I found out the bad news that while I was in hospital my house insurance policy expired and so nothing was covered. It looks like about $185,000 damage. I only wish I had gotten your advice earlier Capt Ron and none of this would have happened. I feel so stupid.  -Alex

Dear Alexandra - You have had some hard knocks lately. the think to remember is that when you fall down get up and try again. Don't be a wimp and don't give up. You can beat it. 

Dear Capt Ron - This is Inspector William Conaught from the Toronto Police Department. I think you may know a young lady called Alexandra who we see from your very kind e-mails were obviously trying to assist. I regret to inform you that we pulled her out of Lake Superior today and feel that she may have committed suicide likely associated with her dependency on pain killers. Sometimes people are too far gone to help and may I say on behalf of everyone in the Department who enjoy reading your column that we wish we had more people like you Capt Ron and the world would be a much better place. 

Dear Inspector Conaught, Thank you for your very kind words. You are a gentleman sir! Yes I did know that Alexandra was too far gone down a dark and dangerous path but I am not one to ever give up even when there is but a flicker of hope. Say hi to the folks in the Department and should you encounter more people needing assistance I would be glad to help them without charge!  Its my way of giving back to society for all the wonderful blessings I have received. Thanks!